Memo to Musicians from Timothy Geithner

Attenzione Artists:

It has come to our attention that failure to address the balance between 2009 releases and available lines of corporate credit has led to a useful creativity surplus, but a significant distribution and current-account deficit. Therefore, following the June 30 releases from Wilco and Tortoise, calendar year music releases will be limited to those pre-approved through RIAA-NSA-Treasury Department advance notices. These currently include, but are not limted to:

Son Volt, Arctic Monkeys, Shirley Manson, Pere Ubu, Robert Pollard (permanent trade exemption per GbV Central Dayton Free Trade Agreement), Flaming Lips (subject to irony quotient testing), Susan Cowsill, Built to Spill, Wrens, and Roxy Music if Andy Mackay participates (Eno on at-will basis). Retro acts with new works in preparation, including but not limited to Devo and Gang of Four, are urged to hibernate. Acts known to fail to meet fiscal deadlines, including but not limited to Built to Spill and The Shins, should slack off until 2010 numbers are prepared. Sunburned Hand and Ashtray Navigations are free to release at will, since no one cares and we can't catch them. Everyone else, go home.

This temporary restraining order applies to iTunes digital files, though eMusic and Rhapsody can apply for exemptions. It does not apply to limited-supply works sold through Web sites, fan tables at concerts, and trunks/truck beds/back doors of vans. Any secretly-Canadian attempts at foreign pressings will be stopped at the border.

If you are not on the pre-approved list and feel the government is taking too active a role in setting trade limits, keep in mind that the music community has been far too prolific and creative in a year pre-anticipated to be a crisis period, when all good U.S. citizens were urged to feel sorry for themselves, stick their thumbs up their butts, and whine. Your government is prepared to make good on delays by taking a majority ownership in U.S. labels prior to 2010 releases. That is all.

Timothy Geithner
Department of Redundancy Department
U.S. Treasury